This morning I woke up early with such a heavy heart of the circumstances I am facing unsure of what to do. At 6:15 a.m. I am sure I could have flipped on the tv and found some nonsensical program to drown out my thoughts but instead I picked up Pete Wilson’s book, Plan B, and began reading where I had left off in the middle of the summer.
I went to the balcony and sat on my navy blue chair with my steaming cup of coffee and pen resting on the matching table. I flipped to the folded down page and began to read.
The words seemed familiar and I realized that I had already read this particular part but I continued anyway. (I guess I didn’t have a pen handy when I read it the first time and that is why I didn’t unfold that page and fold down the true page I stopped at.)
When I began rereading the words one particular paragraph leap from the page and dug into my heart.
The process of becoming the person God wants us to become usually doesn’t come from success, success, success. It’s loss, success, failure, success, heart break, success, disappointment, success.
As I continued to read I also came across this paragraph as well…
Please understand, please prepare yourself because if you haven’t come up against the wall yet, you will eventually. God will allow you to go through something. It might be a loss, a tragedy, a life-changing situation, and there will be no simple explanation to why it is happening.
Here is where my entitlement comes in … I thought I had already hit my wall when my father left us 11 1/2 years ago. I thought that when I had to get approved for more credit cards in order to help pay the household bills at 18 years old was my wall. I thought that when I wasn’t able to go away to college like I had always dreamed of had been my wall. I thought watching my family get torn up from it’s roots and never get placed back was my wall. I thought watching my mother provide breakfast, lunch, and dinner with only $12 a week was my wall.
I thought life was supposed to become easier and that God would grant me the things in life that I wanted because of the wall I had already had to overcome.
I thought getting pregnant at 21 years old was my wall. I thought that when Jacob’s dad left me to pretty much take care of a 3 month old on my own was my wall. I thought watching him bring other girls in and out of my son’s life was my wall. I thought witnessing him try to forge relationships with other people who did not have his child was my wall.
In my eyes, I had already hit the wall, struggled to get over it (I still struggle with those particular walls and some days I feel like I have fallen back over it), and landed on the other side.
I guess I thought God would see how much I have already been through and provide me with an easier journey.
Now I look and I am seeing that my journey is paved with hurdles; maybe mine are strategically placed closer together. I am not sure exactly. Although right now it does seem to feel that way.
Right now I am in the midst of jumping yet another hurdle. God obviously is trying to teach me something during this time.
As my cup of coffee turned cold and my heart began to ache I read these final words before I came back inside to prepare for another day …
We’re called to be faithful to God even when it seems he hasn’t been faithful to us. We’re called to love him even when we feel abandoned. We’re called to look for him even in the midst of darkness. We’re called to worship him even through our tears.
Today I will choose to be faithful even though I am unsure of what God is going to provide for us. I am going to change my heart and raise my eyes to the heavens to provide the directions.
I am choosing to lose my sense of entitlement and enjoy this journey He has provided to me.