Thursday, April 23, 2009

I put on your shoes, but I didn't walk in them

Tonight, my heart is heavy. The weight of all the indescribable hurts of those I have never met are weighing me down. To read about all the mommies and daddies who's little ones are hurting and knowing nothing that I can do to take their hurts away. I am a fixer. I want to fix everyone's hurts.

That isn't my job.
That is God's job.
Not Mine!
I am trying to remember that tonight.

Like the title states, I put on the shoes of a hurting mommy but I didn't have to walk in them.

On February 15, 2003 my little Jacob Christopher was born at 5:26 a.m. After a very rough delivery he was born not breathing.

Instead of holding my brand new baby they rushed him into the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. I was informed before I saw my son to not look in the other rooms. I was told to not gawk at other babies in the NICU. I was supposed to just walk straight into his room after washing my hands.

In the hours and few days that followed Jacob underwent several tests. They thought from his rough delivery that he would be developmentally delayed. The did an MRI to test for that. He was refusing to eat. So I nursed and pumped for him. They gave him vitamins and kept him hooked up to iv's.

The night that I was released from the hospital and Jacob had to stay there I was devastated. I looked at Jacob's dad and I burst into tears. I had never been so sad in my entire life. I told him Mommies don't go home without their babies. The nurse walked in and saw how hurt I was and found me an empty room so I could stay another night.

When there were no more empty rooms in labor and delivery I was sent home once again, without Jacob.

The whole time Jacob was in the NICU I never had to question whether or not he was going to make it.

I knew
... eventually he would eat.
I knew ... eventually the yellow tone in his skin would subside.
I knew ... my baby was ok.
I knew ... he was going to come home and be with me.
I knew ... I was his mommy and I would be the only one taking care of him.

While I was checking up on MckMama and Stellan and The Freeman's baby Kayleigh I remembered all the tears I cried for my little man. For my little man who I knew was fine. My heart goes out to the whole MckFamily and The Freeman's.

I am praying for every single mommy and daddy tonight who is standing in a NICU over their babies. I have hope and faith in God's plan's. God is by your side through all of this.

Prayers for Stellan

Tenth Avenue North says it best ...

I'll be by your side where ever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
Please don't fight
These hands that are holding you

Walk in His Strength


1 comment:

  1. I've never had to walk in their shoes either, but, nonetheless, it still hurts my heart when I read or hear about their stories. I know God is ultimately in control, but I cannot help but struggle with the deep desire that our prayers would be answered in an outcome that makes us smile instead of cry.
    I'm glad your story was one that brings smiles.


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