Finding Community {On My Heart}

The tears in my eyes have been on the verge of spilling over all day.

I don't know why but today I feel weepy.

It didn't start out that way. In fact, it started out just like every other day {in a groundhog day like fashion}.

The kids were emotional. Little Miss shortened her nap by an hour. All I got done was folding the laundry but they never made their way into the drawers. {I did in fact make my bed which should qualify me for a gold star because that never seems to happen.} I got dinner on the table but the bathrooms were never cleaned. The "stuff" on the stairs seems to be multiplying but they are not making their way to their "proper" homes. I did unload and then reload the dishwasher. {Bonus points}. While the boys worked on their Summer Bridge Workbooks they began to cry because it was hard and that I don't know what it is like. Every time I put a toy away Little Miss promptly pulled it back out as if I was the one making the messes.

Then ... I sat down to watch the Bread & Wine book club videos on the (in)courage website. {Boy do I love me some Angie & Jessica ... and now Shauna too}.

Have you heard of the book Bread & Wine by Shauna Niequist?  If you haven't check it out. It isn't what it seems. It is a love letter to her friends and family. It is her life around the kitchen table. It includes recipes!

I read the book cover to cover in such a short period of time and devoured (pun intended) every word.  I fell in love with Shauna's world; her friends, family, and vacations. The things in life didn't matter nearly as much as the people who were in her life did. She met her friends where they were and in turn they did the same for her. The doors to her home were open for everyone to come through, walk inside, share their hearts, and leave with their souls and stomachs completely satisfied.

She is surrounded by this amazing community who supported one another through everything; loss of pregnancy, divorce, new babies, new marriages, celebrated dedications, humbled themselves through seasons of jealousy, and experienced each new blessing with one another. No one was left out. Every one had a place around the table.

I watched each new video on the (in)courage blog with the fascination that Shauna's love spilled into her food and warmed her house for everyone to enjoy.

The tears that had been threatening to spill past my eyelashes were slowly making their way down my cheeks as I began longing for this type of community.

To be honest, I don't have that. For years, I thought I did have that type of community surrounding me. Little Man and I would go to each one of my friends houses to celebrate graduating college, new jobs and new boyfriends. He was so young then. I was still pretty naive. We didn't talk about faith or share with one another the darkest parts of our soul. We just lived in the moment with one another.

While I was celebrating my engagement, my community was talking behind my back. They knew I was pregnant with Little Miss and they all thought I was only getting married due to that fact. They didn't celebrate my engagement with me. I had my bridal shower and bachellorette party and they didn't come. They had more important things to do and because I was planning everything so quickly they couldn't attend. They didn't ask about my dress or about the details of the reception. They kept their distance. They came to the wedding and hung around one another. {I always used to feel apart of that group and now I just felt distance.}

Shortly after the wedding I had a baby shower. It was a time to celebrate a new little girl that was coming into my family. {There hadn't been one for 30 years.} My "friends" came but instead of celebrating me they wanted to talk about how one of them was pregnant too. I celebrated my friend and looked forward to coming to her baby shower soon.

After that day, my community all but disappeared. A lot happened in the last few months of my pregnancy, devastating things happened. I had no community to turn to. I just had me. I walked around my neighborhood trying to get a sense of balance in my life. My world seemed to be spinning completely out of control and I had no one to tell me things were going to be okay. My husband's grandmother passed away. I found out incomprehensible news resulting from her death. My grandfather then passed away a few weeks later. It felt like I was in a plane all alone and it was spinning towards earth. I was dizzy and sick of the circumstances. I needed my community but they weren't around.

I still get calls every once in awhile but I am just not in it anymore.

My "community" wasn't based on faith or love but instead on tearing down whoever was on the "outs" that week. I know that isn't what I need in my life but the rawness of how alone I am stings me every day.

I want a community of women who love one another. That will pray along one another. Hear the hurts from one anothers lives and love them more. Find out who each person is and love them anyway. I want their husbands to walk along side my husband. I want the husbands to encourage one another to be better husbands and fathers. I want the women to encourage each other to be better mothers and wives. I want to gather around a table. I want to feel that a place has been saved just for me. I want to be celebrated when I have something to celebrate. I want to be prayed for when the world just seems to  be too much to handle. I want to drop of meals and coffee to women who didn't expect it. I want my community to love the fact that I am becoming a little bit crunchy {making my own laundry detergent, buying produce from a farmers market, using homemade cleansers}.


So here I am, maybe you might be here too, in this place where lonely is the only word to describe it. I am going to stretch myself to find women like me. Women who pray. Women who go to church. Women who long to be a part of something special. Women who will meet me just where I am. Women who can sit around the table and love one another, making it a point to show who they really are.

Move Me

All day I have been in a mood ... not a good mood or a bad mood but a mood. I hardly got any sleep last night.

Little Man woke up and climbed into bed with me because he had a nightmare. He told me that he dreamt he was in a jail cell and someone let deadly snakes in to kill him.

Little Miss barely slept. She was fussy and tired. She has been fighting a cold that has left her stuffy and congested. I can feel it in her lungs.

Needless to say, all 4 of us in a queen size bed left us with very little room to sleep so none of us really got any.

I got up with Little Miss at 5:45 am and came downstairs. He smiled and cooed as if she was having the best time ever. I made the coffee. I made a lunch for my husband. I packed Little Man's lunch. I picked up the scraps of paper off the coffee table from when Little Man was teaching himself oragami. I grabbed all of the glasses semi filled with liquid and dropped them in the sink.

Little Miss finally fell asleep at 7 am.

I took that opportunity to jump in the shower to try and give myself more energy than I really had.

I woke up Little Man and instructed him to get ready for school.

He drank his morning coffee and so did I.

I put the baby in her carseat and drove Little Man to school. He loves listening to the radio and singing along with every song ... loudly. I dropped him off at school while Gangnam style was playing on the radio. I saw his lips moving as he joined his classes line. I know he was still singing the song.

Little Miss and I came home. I began washing the dishes, doing the laundry, nursing the baby, and drinking more coffee.

My Husband called and told me to take a nap. He told me that nothing really had to be done at home so I should just relax. He also told me that we are going to need a bigger bed. {I agree} We hung up quickly because he was busy at work.

I did nap right before Little Man came home from school.

I decided breakfast for dinner would be good and easy.

I burned the bacon. I took too long making the pancakes so the eggs were cold. The whole house was filled with smoke.

I feel like most days I am just going through the motions and I am not really "good" at any of my duties. The house is not really clean just straightened up. The laundry is folded but it just sits in baskets. I have yelled at Little Man for not writing neatly on his homework assignment and for forgetting his science book. I get frusterated with Little Miss because she is crying but won't nurse. My husband goes to bed early because of his lack of sleep last night.

I am not connecting with my family. I am not being intentional. I am not giving them the attention they deserve.

As I sat down at the computer tonight I was wondering if I was the only Mom/Wife who thought she was doing the right thing. I wondered if what I did today in the mundane touched my family. I wondered if I was good enough.

I just wanted to be moved. I want my world rocked so that I can become more intentional in the things I do.

Then I read this ...

Boy was I rocked. The tears just flowed. I am not the only one who wonders if the decisions they have made are the right ones.

I discovered that right now things may be tough but I was put here to "just love them".

Then I realized that I must be doing something right if my Little Man seeks me out when he is scared because he can feel my love and I keep him safe.

Little Miss smiles and cooes at me because I have shown here love.

My Husband calls me to remind me to relax and to thank me for making his lunch and coffee this morning. He can feel my love too.

I am just here to love them.

Some days are going to be better than others and today may not have been my day but when I get discouraged and feel like I am not doing enough ... I can just love them!

Book Review - I Will Carry You: The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy by Angie Smith

As I have said before, I have been a reading machine this summer. One of the books I have read is I Will Carry You: The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy by Angie Smith. To be honest I never thought I would have read this book because I have never experienced the loss of a child. But when Barnes & Noble offered this book as a free ebook I decided to read it. I have been following Angie Smith's blog Bring The Rain for a couple of years now so I figured I knew her whole stoy.Boy was I wrong!

I Will Carry You is not a book just for someone who is experiencing the loss of a child but it is also for everyone who has to overcome something painful in their life. 

Borders.com describes the book as follows ...

In 2008, Angie Smith and her husband Todd (lead singer of the group Selah) learned through ultrasound that their fourth daughter had conditions making her "incompatible with life." Advised to terminate the pregnancy, the Smiths chose instead to carry this child and allow room for a miracle. That miracle came the day they had Audrey Caroline and got the chance to love her for the precious two-and-a-half hours she lived on earth. Upon receiving the original diagnosis, Angie started a blog (Bring the Rain) to keep family and friends informed of their journey. Soon, the site exploded in popularity, connecting with thousands who were either experiencing their own heartbreaking situations or simply curious about how God could carry someone through something so tragic. I Will Carry You tells the powerful story of a parent losing her child, interwoven with the biblical story of Lazarus to help those who mourn to still have hope - to find grace and peace in the sacred dance of grief and joy. 

 I thought that by reading Angie's blog I knew everything that there was to know about Angie and Todd's story but this story shared more details and was really spoken from her heart. 

I loved that every chapter started with a quote. I loved how you could feel Angie's emotions and love for God. I felt a sense of comfort when Angie cried out to God in anger and frustration. I was encouraged when Angie leaned on not her own understanding but on God's. 

A few of my favorite quotes from the book are ...

* "I'm sure that you can think of areas in life where you feel let down by God, even things that have pushed you away from relationship with Him. I won't say I don't understand the questioning because quite frankly it makes all the human sense in the world. What kind of God watches a mother hold her dying baby?"

* "I believe that everything that happens in our lives, however awful, is an opportunity to bring glory to Jesus. Have I wished it had been in a different way? Of course I do. And you probably do too. If I choose to, I can hold that against Him. I can let it embitter me for the rest of my days, as I walk around finding holes in everything He has done. All of us will have times of crisis. The most we can do is put our hands on the stone and accept what happens next with the grace that says circumstances will define neither God's love for us nor our love for God."

* "He gives and He takes away. Have I had moments of genuine questioning where I blamed myself and anyone else I could? Yes. But when those thoughts come, and they will, we must make a choice about who we will be from this day forward. Either we will go through life as bitter servants, or we will  make Him famous with our love. I want Him to be famous."

* "Whatever it is, a loss, a divorce, a death, a hurt, something you feel is out of your control, forgotten by the One who could make it right again - know this. He has not forgotten. He heard you call."

* "Many things in this life are not meant to be understood. We are simply not strong enough to bear them, but where there are gaps in our understanding, there is also the grace of God who has chosen to carry the traveling case for us. Our role is to trust it into His keeping."

If you felt that this book isn't for you - think again. This book is for everyone. Through Angie's book I have learned that while I cannot control the bad things that happen in my life but I can control how I show God's love through each of my trials.


I highly recommend this book to everyone and if you were unable to get the free ebook through Barnes & Noble click the link and it will take you to Amazon.com for purchase.You will not be disappointed.
    I Will Carry You: The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy

Updates

I know that it has been a little while since I last posted but as always life has been crazy.

*I totaled my car a month ago and this weekend I had to go purchase another one since my rental car was up on Saturday. Buying a car is a very difficult procedure. I think I signed more paperwork when buying a car than when I bought my condo. But I did buy a 2005 Chevy Equinox and so far I love it!

*Jacob is starting soccer this week and I am the assistant coach. He is on the kindergarten house league for Glen Ellyn. He is really excited to start and can't wait to put on the socks, shin guards, and shorts. He wants to know when he gets his t-shirt.

*Jacob is also on Spring Break this week. Being a working mom it has been a little difficult to get everything organized. Normally his baby sitters only watch him in the morning since Kindergarten is in the afternoon. So he has had a lot of fun being watched by different people this week. Thank you Grandma May, Mom, Tanya, Jackie, Mrs. Chung, and Jenifer. He is really enjoying this week.

*I broke my digital camera this week as well. As shocking as it is, I bought a warranty. The only problem is they are going to send it out and it will take two weeks. Now I have to borrow my Mom's camera so that I can take pictures at soccer practice tomorrow.

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While we were at the car dealership Jacob was honestly on his best behavior. I was so proud of him. He didn't run around or act all crazy. But at one point he asks to borrow my cell phone. Curious on who he would call ... I asked.
"Jacob, who are you going to call?"
"Mom, I need to call my ex-wife"

Hmmm ... my son has an ex-wife. I thought I was going to get married before him but obviously not. He was married and divorced before me. I never even met my ex daughter in law.
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I have been praying for Stellan. My heart goes out to his mother, Jennifer and the whole MckFamily. I don't know how she is handling all of this. I remember when I was sent home from the hospital after Jacob was born and he was still in the NICU. My heart was broken and I knew he was going to be fine. What a testimony of faith! I am in awe of Jennifer's strength and courage. I will continue to pray for the whole family. Please go to her blog and pray for baby Stellan too!

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Angie from www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com has posted a new post today as well. Her words and her story has touched me in more ways than I could ever possibly explain. She has suffered great loss but has grown stronger in her faith along the process. Today's post was just what I needed to read. I have never emailed her in regards to who she has gotten so faithful but I have always wondered. Today's post described in the most eloquent words how she has gotten to where she is today. She makes me long for that kind of faith. I want to hear God speak to me too. Go check out her blog, if you haven't already. No one can say it like she does.

Enjoy your Wednesday.
Walk in His Strength

Mindy

Can I become a better Christian by reading blogs?

Hi, my name is Mindy and I am a blog reading addict!

It started off really small I would just read Bring The Rain by Angie Smith.



I love reading what Angie has to say. She is such an amazing Christian woman. I look forward to any and all posts she writes. I pray for her and her family all the time.


Then as I was snooping around her blog I saw the button for MckMama and to pray for Stellan.



After I started reading about Stellan's story and the Many Small Children. I was hooked.


Then I started snooping around her blog and I was hooked on another blog and another blog and another blog.

Now I check on my blogs everyday. I feel like they are my best friends. I am inspired by the stay at home mothers. I am inspired by the authors. I am inspired by the decorators, the preachers wives, the preacher himself. I find myself longing to read about their lives. I relate to them when the discuss their weaknesses. I pray for them when they need to find inner strength. I laugh when funny things happen in their lives. I love all my blog friends. (Side note: Can they be your friends if all you do is stalk their blogs? I think YES!)

But the more and more I read the more I wonder ...


Is it possible to find yourself becoming a stronger Christian by reading these blogs?

Many of the blogs I read inform me of some amazing books they are reading or books that they have written.


I just ordered From Blushing Bride to Wedded Wife by Marla Taviano. (Another sidenote: I know that I am not married yet but this book helps you when you become a wife and the proceeds of the book went to an orphanage in Cambodia)

I digress. My point is I now have a wish list of books that I want to read by reading these blogs. So here is my official wish list.


* Living Simply by Joanne Heim

*Misplacing God: (And Finding Him Again) by Joanne Heim

*She's Gonna Blow! Real Help for Mom's Dealing with Anger by Julie Ann Barnhill

Ok I know that this is a short list but it will get longer the more I read these blogs.

Does anyone have any good Christian book selections for me to add to my list?