Tuesday, May 17, 2011

It is getting harder and harder to breathe …

It has been very hard day. I feel like I am dealing with a lot of stuff right now and I am finding it extremely difficult.

Emotionally I am drained.

It honestly feels like I am struggling to breathe.

I feel like I just don’t fit in my life. I feel like it would be so much easier to move away or go somewhere but I know that my head, heart, and emotions will all come with me.

I have these feelings about my dad, my family, my brothers, Dan, Jacob, and about one hundred million other things.

Nothing is feeling right. I am feeling lost and to be honest a little hopeless.

I want to know where I fit in because right now I fit in no where.

I have one side of my family that I just feel inadequate being a part of. I feel like I have to watch my words, facial expressions, and only say things that are covered in sugar and sunshine.

The other side of my family I feel like left us when my Dad left. I feel abandoned, unloved, and disowned.

When will I feel like I am at the right place? When will I feel like I belong and fit in?

I have felt this way for a really long time. I don’t really know what to do and I don’t really know how to resolve this feelings that I have.

I feel like I am sinking inside myself.

I am ready to let my family go. If they ever really wanted me they would have fought for me instead fight against me.

I am sick of worrying how my words are going to be perceived. I am sick of apologizing for things I have no reason to apologize for. I am sick of hearing that I can handle things better than someone else.

I can handle things because I have been forced to handle big things. I had no choice.

I may be strong but I am not unbreakable. I have feelings and they get hurt too. I can only handle so much and right now I do not feel like I am handling things well.

I need to give this all to God. I need to just hand Him my burden but I don’t know how.

How can I give it all to Him and not worry about what happens next?

I trust Him but I am scared.

I don’t know how to handle these feelings and I don’t know how to let go.

I am sure none of this makes sense to anyone but me.

I know this is a lot of ramble.

I just … don’t … know …. right now.

1 comment:

  1. I read your post the other day and have been thinking about you. I've been in a place where I felt just like you, after my mom died and my dad moved. It seemed like everyone else's life went on except mine and I was scared too. And I know people say this all the time, but just keep leaning on the Lord and just tell Him exactly how you feel. I promise you that He will be there. Sometimes it felt like He was the only one there for me. And even if you can't feel Him, you can rest in knowing that He cares and He is always there. I hope you feel better soon.


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