It has been very hard day. I feel like I am dealing with a lot of stuff right now and I am finding it extremely difficult.
Emotionally I am drained.
It honestly feels like I am struggling to breathe.
I feel like I just don’t fit in my life. I feel like it would be so much easier to move away or go somewhere but I know that my head, heart, and emotions will all come with me.
I have these feelings about my dad, my family, my brothers, Dan, Jacob, and about one hundred million other things.
Nothing is feeling right. I am feeling lost and to be honest a little hopeless.
I want to know where I fit in because right now I fit in no where.
I have one side of my family that I just feel inadequate being a part of. I feel like I have to watch my words, facial expressions, and only say things that are covered in sugar and sunshine.
The other side of my family I feel like left us when my Dad left. I feel abandoned, unloved, and disowned.
When will I feel like I am at the right place? When will I feel like I belong and fit in?
I have felt this way for a really long time. I don’t really know what to do and I don’t really know how to resolve this feelings that I have.
I feel like I am sinking inside myself.
I am ready to let my family go. If they ever really wanted me they would have fought for me instead fight against me.
I am sick of worrying how my words are going to be perceived. I am sick of apologizing for things I have no reason to apologize for. I am sick of hearing that I can handle things better than someone else.
I can handle things because I have been forced to handle big things. I had no choice.
I may be strong but I am not unbreakable. I have feelings and they get hurt too. I can only handle so much and right now I do not feel like I am handling things well.
I need to give this all to God. I need to just hand Him my burden but I don’t know how.
How can I give it all to Him and not worry about what happens next?
I trust Him but I am scared.
I don’t know how to handle these feelings and I don’t know how to let go.
I am sure none of this makes sense to anyone but me.
I know this is a lot of ramble.
I just … don’t … know …. right now.