This is a repost. I posted this when I first started blogging in January and when no one was following me. I figured this was a good time to repost since Father's Day is on Sunday.
As many of you know, my father hasn't been an actual part of my life for over 10 years. He was an amazing father. He used to make us breakfast on Saturday mornings and he used to bring us to church on Sundays. He coached baseball and soccer for me and my brothers. He ran along side me at Cross Country meets to keep me motivated. He devoted his life to his children. Let it be said that I miss him. I miss him most this time of year. This is the time of year he left.
Maybe some of you do not know your fathers. Maybe your father has passed away. Maybe your father is around but not a real part of your life. Maybe your father doesn't know you at all.
Until recently, I have been in constant grief over the father that I have lost. I mourned the things that he should be experiencing along side me. I mourned the things that he should have said to me or helped me with. I mourned the things I new I would experience in the future that he wouldn't be apart of. I cursed God for taking that man away from me. I cursed God for allowing him to make the choices he did. I cursed God for breaking my heart.
In my very first post I told you that I have started going back to church. Let me tell you this has been very therapeutic for me. On Sundays, I pray for my father. I pray that he makes the defining choice to change his life. I pray that he "sees the light" and returns to a life with his family. I pray that the man I once knew is given back to me. On a recent Sunday while I was praying the same prayers I started to hear the song I love you this much by Jimmy Wayne. It is a song about a little boy who's father isn't around and yet he still loves him. And that little boy wonders if his dad loves him back. Anyway, at the end of the song the boy is all grown up and he is at church and ...
He looks up above the preacher
And sadly stared at Him
He said 'forgive me father'
When he realized
That he hadn't been unloved
Or alone all his life
His arms were stretched out
As far as they go
Nailed to the cross
For the whole world to know
I love you this much
And I'm waiting on you
To make up your mind
Do you love me too?
How ever long it takes
I'm never giving up no matter what
I love you this much
And after I replayed the lyrics in my head I knew I wasn't fatherless I finally understood that I do have a Father and all he was asking for is for me to love him back. Now granted this isn't the exact Father I had wanted. I wanted a father I could see. I wanted a father I could call on the phone. But sometimes things are not how I want them and they are not supposed to be either. God wanted me to experience this heartache and he wanted me to lose my earthly father to find Him. Without the loss I couldn't ever possibly understand the love God has for me. I know he will never let me down. I know that he already knows my hearts wants before I even tell him. He knew me before I was even born. He has good things planned for me.
It took me a long time to figure this out. It hasn't been an easy road to bear either. Some days are still tough. Some days His love doesn't seem to be enough BUT I know it is. Church has taught me this. God has taught me this. And I invite you today that if you are hurting and if you feel that life has given you too many burdens to carry on your own join me and go to church. It is life changing. Give God your burdens.