Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Later

 

Ok this post is all about honesty. Please do not judge me as I judge myself. (Yes you did read that correctly!)

Later is my key word. I say it all the time and to a lot of different people.

When I say "later" to Jacob it probably means not today and probably not tomorrow.

"Mom, can I have dessert?" ~ Jacob

"What kind of dessert would you like?" ~Me

"A root beer float!" ~Jacob

"Not now maybe later" ~ unfortunately me

When I say "later" to my friends it basically means no.

"Hey Mindy, do you want to go to the store?" ~ Friend

"Right now?" ~ Me

"Yeah, it will be fun!" ~ Friend

"Maybe later but not right now." ~ unfortunately me again

When I say "later" to Dan it means definitely not today.

"Do you want to do something?" ~ Dan

"Like what?" ~ Me (and yes I say sweet things like that - picture a little bit of attitude thrown in for good measure)

"I don't know. Anything" ~ Dan

"Yeah maybe later" ~ Me

But saying later doesn't just stop at my words ... I tell myself "later" all the time.

When will I feel like an adult? ~~ Later

When should I file bankruptcy? ~~ Later

When should I send out that email? ~~ Later

When should I update twitter/facebook/blog? ~~ Later

When should I make that phone call? ~~ Later

I would love to sponsor a child through Compassion International but that will wait for later.

I would love to start a gluten free diet in my household but it looks a little hard so I will start that later.

How lovely would it be to get up early and spend some time with God? Oh yeah but I stayed up late watching nothing on tv so I will just have to do that later.

I purchased a children and family devotional but why start that now when I can start it later.

I seem to be able to do other things instantly without saying "later" so why does all the things that should be important get put to the back burner.

I feel that there is more to this life and I missing out on it all because I figure I could do it later.

I am sick of waiting for later to come.

Especially since I am the one putting the stipulations on it.

I want to start now. I know I can't do them all but starting with one thing make just make me say "now" instead of "later".

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Adult … who me?

The other day my friend and I were talking about being adults. Since I will be 30 in 6 days and since she has already turned 30 we felt that this was an appropriate topic to talk about. Our question really turned out to be … when do you start feeling like an adult?

I guess for me I always thought that when I graduated from college I would be an adult but as of right now I still haven’t graduated yet. So that cannot be it.

Then I was thinking that when I had a child I would be an adult but I had Jacob relatively young so maybe that is why I don’t feel like an adult.

I thought that reaching the ripe old age of 30 would make me an adult but I don’t really feel that coming on as of yet.

I thought that having a mortgage and bills to pay qualified you as an adult but since I have had a mortgage, now rent, and I am filling bankruptcy and I don’t yet feel like an adult I know that cannot be it.

So what is it … What qualifies you as an adult? OR Does anyone ever actually feel like an adult?

I guess my *new* theory is that you can do adult things but never honestly feel like an adult.
I know that when I walk into parent teacher conferences I feel like I just don’t belong as if I am not really old enough to be there.

I still call my Mom whenever I need advice or just to have girl talk.

I still like going out with my wonderful girlfriends and dancing the night away to some local band at a local bar.

So what gives? When am I going to feel like a grown up?

Do you feel like you are an adult? When did you start feeling that way? Please share with me your thoughts.

I know Donna and I never reached a conclusion to our conversation.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

It is getting harder and harder to breathe …

It has been very hard day. I feel like I am dealing with a lot of stuff right now and I am finding it extremely difficult.

Emotionally I am drained.

It honestly feels like I am struggling to breathe.

I feel like I just don’t fit in my life. I feel like it would be so much easier to move away or go somewhere but I know that my head, heart, and emotions will all come with me.

I have these feelings about my dad, my family, my brothers, Dan, Jacob, and about one hundred million other things.

Nothing is feeling right. I am feeling lost and to be honest a little hopeless.

I want to know where I fit in because right now I fit in no where.

I have one side of my family that I just feel inadequate being a part of. I feel like I have to watch my words, facial expressions, and only say things that are covered in sugar and sunshine.

The other side of my family I feel like left us when my Dad left. I feel abandoned, unloved, and disowned.

When will I feel like I am at the right place? When will I feel like I belong and fit in?

I have felt this way for a really long time. I don’t really know what to do and I don’t really know how to resolve this feelings that I have.

I feel like I am sinking inside myself.

I am ready to let my family go. If they ever really wanted me they would have fought for me instead fight against me.

I am sick of worrying how my words are going to be perceived. I am sick of apologizing for things I have no reason to apologize for. I am sick of hearing that I can handle things better than someone else.

I can handle things because I have been forced to handle big things. I had no choice.

I may be strong but I am not unbreakable. I have feelings and they get hurt too. I can only handle so much and right now I do not feel like I am handling things well.

I need to give this all to God. I need to just hand Him my burden but I don’t know how.

How can I give it all to Him and not worry about what happens next?

I trust Him but I am scared.

I don’t know how to handle these feelings and I don’t know how to let go.

I am sure none of this makes sense to anyone but me.

I know this is a lot of ramble.

I just … don’t … know …. right now.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Because it is officially … HOT!

I honestly thought that the weather would have gradually turned hot but yesterday it was hot and humid.

My feet swelled … well … because they do that when it gets hot and humid out.

Jacob whined and cried about how hot it was! I was a little whinny myself because I wore pants and stupid hot shoes.

Then … my friend Donna called me! We decided that dinner would be easy and quick. We also decided that it was time to break out the slip-n-slide.

GREAT IDEA!!

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He really doesn’t look like a little boy anymore does he?? (Breaking his mama’s heart!)

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Next up … Edie!!

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She was quick … I could barely get a picture.

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There we go now I got her!

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Go Jacob Go!

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No more sliding … just walking!

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Seriously … she is always that cute!

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I cannot get enough of these two!

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How did this handsome devil get in here! (hee hee)

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We ate some watermelon!

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Then we decided it was time for something different …

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CRAZY SPRINKLER!!

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Jacob was jumping!

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Edie was screaming!

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Bike riding time! Who doesn’t ride their bike in a frilly swimsuit?

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With their favorite (only clothed) Barbie!

The best part is that this was a taste of the summer I am going to have.

I get to watch Edie all summer long. I have wanted a little more girly in my life and she is the epitome of girly!

Painted nails, Barbies, frills, pinks, … OMG I am going to love it all.

How did you spend the HOT day?