The Heart Ache that Doesn't go Away!

	Definition of baby daddy
	Short for "Baby's Daddy". The father of your child, whom you did not marry, and with whom you are not currently involved.

I have talked about the fact that I have a baby daddy. You can read my original post here.
But today I wanted to share a little more of the heart ache side of having a baby daddy. I was talking to my friend, T, last night who has two children by two different fathers and she shares the same heart ache struggle that I do.

So here is the honest truth .... The love you feel for your baby daddy NEVER goes away!

It honestly doesn't. No matter if you have moved on and date other people you still long to be a "normal" family. You feel awful about the way everything turned out.

You wonder what you did wrong and what you should have done to try and fix it. You hate it when your child cries about having to leave one parent's house to go to the other parent's house for the weekend.

You have to answer questions about why your child has two houses. The most common question in my house is why can't his dad and I just live together? And he asks if I love his dad.

What can I say? Yes I still love your dad. I wish we were still together. I wish you didn't have to go away every other weekend.

It doesn't make things better to answer those questions.

I have told Jacob that I love his dad very much and that we were very much in love when he was born. But I stop there. I don't want my heartache to be his heartache.

T was telling me last night that she has finally gotten a hold of her oldest son's dad and that she never stopped loving him.

I know how she feels. Being a single mom is tough. Not impossible but definitely tough.

I am now in a loving and wonderful relationship with Dan. Dan comes with an amazing son, Christian.

But the heartache is still there, lingering in the back of your heart. Time does help but it never goes away.

I just wanted to share this with you because it is real and it is on my heart today. My friend struggles just like I struggle like a lot of single mom's struggle.

Today I am praying for all the mom's like me. I am praying that God heals there heart and takes away the heartache.

The Shedd Aquarium

As part of my assignment for my Humanities class I had to visit the Shedd Aquarium in Chicago. The main purpose was to visit the Amazon exhibit but we ended up seeing so much more. My mom, my brother (Matthew), Jacob and I took the train to the city and then took a taxi to the aquarium. We had such a blast.

How beautiful is this building?

Here is my mom and Matthew in front of the building.
I can't forget about Jacob in front of the building.
Since I had an assignment to do we went through the Amazon exhibit first.
We saw poisonous frogs, turtles, monkeys, and enormous fish.
I swear this fish was five feet long!!

When Jacob put his finger up to the glass one turtle followed it all around. Jacob loved it!The next exhibit we went to was the Wild Reef.
How cute are these boys??


Jacob HAD to take a picture of a shark. This proved to be difficult 1) because I have a crappy camera and 2) you cannot use a flash in any area of the museum.

After this picture I took the remaining pictures.
We couldn't leave the aquarium without seeing the new show Fantasea. I am so glad we saw this show. It was wonderful.


How cute are these little guys??


The dolphins were amazing too!


We had such a wonderful afternoon we really didn't want it to end.

We got back on the train and headed home.
Jacob is in bed now and I am supposed to be reading and doing homework.

Did anyone else do anything today that was super fun?

Pumpkin Carving

On Saturday Dan, Jacob, Christian and I decided to carve our pumpkins. I loved how fun it turned out to be. It is amazing how good turning off the tv, unplugging video games, and not answering cell phones can be for a family. Just look at how much fun we had.

I think that we should "unplug" from the rest of the world more often. Did you carve pumpkins yet?

What are your kids being for Halloween?

Halloween is my least favorite holiday. I know it is supposed to be fun but normally you are running around making treats, finding a costume, buying candy, and trekking all over your neighborhood getting more candy than you can eat in a year.

My least favorite part is honestly the Halloween costumes. My son wants to be every super hero under the son or something scary.

He wants to be either Superman or a Vampire.


I said okay to these costumes ... Indiana Jones and a Hippie



(FYI - this was the only picture of a hippie I could find and No I do not condone smoking off any kind. Jacob would not be walking around with a smoke on Halloween)

So I must ask, since I have procrastinated up until this point, what are your kids going to be for Halloween? Did you make the costume or buy it? Do you like Halloween or is it just me who doesn't like it at all?

If anyone doesn't celebrate Halloween tell me about that too.

Not sure how to feel about this

I just met with my advisor at school and it didn't go as I thought it would. Basically, she told me that I still have a ton of work to do. I have a million classes left to take (mostly science which I am not a fan of) and a bunch of pre-clinicals to do as well. Also, the emphasis I chose she doesn't like but if I chose a different one I will be at school longer. The next two years are going to be really tough. Financially I am not sure how I am going to make it. Emotionally I don't think I can take it. God really must have wanted me to go through this. I know I am strong and I know that I can make it happen but I am worried about tomorrow.

With all the classes I will need to take I don't find it reasonable to get a job. How can I balance Jacob, school, the home, and a job? Something isn't going to be able to be on that list.

This is when I wish that Dan and I were married because then I would feel better about him helping me. Is that wrong to say? I am not saying I would only marry him so he could support me ... I didn't mean it that way. But it would be nice to have his support anyway.

Ok let's see if I can explain this better ....
You know the song "Ain't to proud to beg" by The Temptations ....
Well I am too proud ... I know it is wrong ... but I despise asking for help.
I won't beg.

I can't

Not gonna happen

Maybe this is what God is trying to teach me? Hmm

Anyway, I am in for the long haul and I hope when I graduate I will come out better on the other side.

Sorry about this post but I had to vent.
I still haven't decided if I am going to cry. I probably will later tonight. Crying in the middle of Benedictine's hallway doesn't sound appealing.

Harvest of Friends Blog Party

Lynnette over at Dancing Barefoot on Weathered Ground is hosting a blogging party. How fun is that? All you have to do is answer any or all of the 20 questions and link up. She is giving away some great prizes. What better way is there to meet new blogging friends?
Lynnette is one of my favorite blogs to read. She lives in an old house with her husband and children. She is God warrior. She is crazy and funny. She is someone that you want to hang out and drink tea with. I wish I knew her in real life. She represents the woman I would love to be. Go over to her sight and check her out by clicking here. You may just want to join in all the fun.

1. What is your favorite thing to snack on while you're blogging? I normally don't snack on anything while blogging but if I had a choice it would be trailmix. You know the kind with peanuts, raisins, and m&m's. I wish I had some in the house right now.

2. What is one thing you wouldn't want to live without? The one thing I just cannot live without is my planner. If I lost it I would be totally lost.

3. Beach, Mountains or Farm? Where would you live if you had a choice?If I had my choice I would love to live on a farm. The quiet and peaceful mornings. The wide open space for Jacob to run around. Life without the hussle and bussle of traffic and playdates and birthday parties is right up my alley.

4. What's your least favorite chore/household duty?My least favorite chore would be washing the dishes. Some how I end up more wet and the kitchen ends up being so messy when I do the dishes.

5. Who do people say you remind them of? When I had blonde hair people said I reminded them of Sarah Chalke from Scrubs.
Other than Sarah Chalke when I was 16 and in driver's ed my instructor kept telling me I was just like Phebe from Friends. I don't think that was a compliment. Maybe it was I like her.

6. Prefer parties and socializing or staying at home with the fam? I prefer staying home with the fam. You can wear your pajamas, snack on popcorn, and cuddle on the couch with the people you love. What can be better than that?

7. What's your all time favorite movie? My all time favorite movie is The Notebook. I could watch that movie over and over again.
The best line comes from Noah .... Here it is ... "I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough."

---

8. Do you sleep in your make up or remove it like a good girl every night?
I am a bad girl. I always want to wash my make up off before I go to bed but mostly I just sleep in it. My pillows aren't in good shape because of it either.

9. Do you have a hidden talent or a deep desire to learn something that you've never had a chance to learn? What is it? My hidden talent would be I can say the alphabet backwords. Is that a talent. Maybe not but the one thing I really want to learn how to do is sew. I am making strides in doing it but I do need a sewing machine. That would help. I did sew a button on a shirt the other day.

10. What's one strange thing you're really good at? Oh this is a good one. I can't wait to read what everyone else has to say. Is organizing strange? Cause I can do that really well. Using my organization is a different story.

11. What first attracted you to your spouse? I am not married but I have been dating Dan for a year and a half. We worked together for two years before we went out. I never would have thought him and I would be together. I always told people I would never date anyone older than me, divorced, or someone who had a child. I figured it would just complicate things. But one night we were hanging out and he turned to me told me he had wanted to do this for two years and then just kissed me. After that he had me hook, line, and sinker.

12. What is something you love to smell? I love to smell a match after it has been blown out or a candle that has been blown out. I just love it. I also love treats baking in the oven.

13. Tell something about you that you know irritates people. I love to talk about anything and everything. When I was still working at CCA John and I worked in the same office. He wasn't a talker and I would talk all day long. I know I drove him crazy.

14. When you have extra money (HA!) what's the first thing you think to do with it? If I had extra money I would either be buying a fantastic camera or a sewing machine. Right now I would be happy if I could buy a bunch of new books and a pair of jeans.

15. Are you a silent laugher or a loud laugher? What makes you laugh the hardest? I am a super loud laugher. I get it from my mom. The thing that makes me laugh the hardest is a super funny movie like Elf.

16. Where is your favorite place to shop? My favorite place to shop is either Target or Von Maur. I always end up buying more than I should.

17. What's one thing you'd do more often if you had more time? I would blog more. I think I always have so much to say but when it comes time to write it all out I go blank. I would also read more and do more fun stuff with Jacob.

18. Are you a big spender or frugal? I used to be a big spender. Not that I would spend a lot but if I wanted a new shirt I would buy it. Now since I am not working I am super frugal.

19. Who is your favorite character of all time (from a movie or book)? (Can't be real) My favorite character of all time is Angel from Redeeming Love. She reminds me that no matter what mistakes I have made God loves me and wants really good things for me.

20. Would you want to be famous? I wouldn't mind being famous. Not Hollywood famous but activist famous. I would love to be a voice for those who don't have one. I would also love to be able to have the ability to help people by using my status.

Wow ... I loved those questions. Ok it is your turn. Visit Lynnette and link up. I can't wait to read your answers.

TGIF

I am so thankful that it is Friday. This has been a super long week. Nothing new happened out of the ordinary.

Right now I am ...
1. Tired
2. Overwhelmed
3. Thankful
4. Broke
5. Frazzled

Being that I am totally overwhelmed I am going to use the dreaded bullet points. It will just make things easier otherwise this post would be unreadable.

• My application for the Teacher Education Undergraduate Program is due on the 23rd. I need three letters of recommendation and the results from the Illinois Basic Skills test that I took 8 years ago.
  
• I am not sure that my Basic Skills test is even valid and I may need to take it again
• Jacob has been doing much better in school. He has a ton of homework to do every night. Hopefully this weekend he can just relax.
• Soccer is coming to an end. Jacob only has two more games left. I am not sure how I am going to burn all of his energy this winter.
• My house is a mess and I am too tired to clean it up.
• I am going to make tacos, rice, and guacamole for dinner. Well I will make that if I remember to defrost the ground beef.
• Dan is working all day tomorrow so I will be watching Christian all day. Please Please don't let it rain so they can be outside.

On a funny note ... I asked Jacob what happened to the lady that cleans the house and he told me what lady mom .... You are the only one that cleans the house.

Umm Yeah my point exactly.

Lastly, I am trying to put together a post on ADD/ADHD and the views of medication and no medication. If you have any advice or opinions let me know. I did post a thread on MckMama's community about ADD/ADHD and I got a lot of good advice.

Are you still there or did I bore you to death? Hello??
Well if you stuck with me this long you are a great friend.

Until Later.

Updates on Jacob and The Cowardly Lion Post

Jacob has started Reading Recovery at school and he is loving it. I am loving it too because he is gaining confidence in his reading. Every night after school we go over the weeks spelling words, go over the word wall words, and then he snuggles up next to me to read his books to me. He gets that super excited look in his eyes.

We are still having a few behavior issues in class but I think it is because he cannot handle sitting still for that long. Sometimes he needs to stretch his legs and move a bit. His teacher is very strict and gives him a yellow or a red all the time. (An explanation on the green, yellow, and red thing. The students are on a stop light system. Every child starts off on green in the morning. Green means good behavior. If your teacher asks you to stop once she makes you move your stick figure to yellow (not great behavior). Then after yellow if you misbehave again she moves you to red. (Bad behavior) If you get on red the teacher makes you bring a note home to your parents and the parent has to sign it and so does the child)

Anyway, all week Jacob stayed on green. Every-single-day!! I was so proud of him. I know how hard it is to sit still for him. So Friday before school I told him that if he stayed on green he could pick what we had for dinner. (Yes, that is a special treat for him) So Friday comes around and Jacob walks into the house devastated. He is sobbing and I can't get him to stop. He tells me that a second grader tripped him twice and he went from green to red in a matter of moments. This totally broke his heart. I felt so bad for him.

In the teacher's note she wrote "Disrespectful behavior and sillyness in art class and in the classroom." That doesn't really describe what happened. Normally I wouldn't believe Jacob's being tripped twice story but .... my little brother (5th grader) saw the whole thing happen and heard his teacher yell at Jacob and move him to red. So now I have to talk to the teacher.

Jacob has never been tested but I believe he has ADHD. My friend is a school psychologist and she thinks so too. (It is too early to test him from what I have heard)

Just when he is gaining confidence and enjoying school his teacher gives him a red card. I will be talking with his teacher about the incident.

Also, I have an update on my The Cowardly Lion post. If you haven't read it yet click here otherwise this will make no sense.

I have decided not to confront "K"s parents. I do not think that talking to them would do or solve anything. If I see them around school I will be nice. I guess they had their reasons to change classrooms and think Jacob was the excuse to switch teachers and have "K" be in the same class as her best friend. I am going to try to let this go even though I know it will be extremely difficult. "K" still comes to the house to play with Jacob and whenever he goes out the door I just tell him not to hug her. But "K" and Jacob are friends and I am not going to take away "K" as his friend. It would be unfair to both of them.

I have also decided to get more involved in Jacob's school. I think I am going to join the PTC (the parent teacher council). I am not sure how to go about it but I think it will be very beneficial to be active in what happens at school. Jacob will be at his school until he finishes fifth grade. (WOW I will be the mother of a fifth grader ... that sounds so weird)

Anyway ... that is what is going on in our neck of the woods. Are any of you active in your local parent teacher organization? What do you like and or dislike about it? I am very interested in your thoughts.

Honey Hill Orchard

Last weekend we decided to go to the pumpkin farm and the apple orchard. I am not a big fan of those pumpkin farms where it is also a sort of amusement park so when my mom suggested we go to Honey Hill Orchard I was thrilled. We all had an amazing day of picking apples, eating apples, picking pumpkins, and eating donuts. I am glad we went when we did because the weather here has been awful. So without further ado here is our visit to Honey Hill Orchard in pictures.

Did you go to the pumpkin farm yet? What are your favorite things about fall??

Jacob eating another apple!

Jacob looking into the cornfield.

Jacob climbing a tree

Look at all those pumpkins

Michael (my brother) and his wonderful girlfriend Vicky

Jacob and Christian with all our pumpkins and apples.

Christian, Matthew, and Jacob

Me, Dan, Jacob, and Christian

Me and Dan.

I love it when we spend laid back days together like this.